PRESS ARTICLES

Source: BUZZ

I took my son for a show at a mall recently. He was so petrified of the dark and the noises and effects that were on display that he clung on to me for dear life, refused to watch most part of it and violently cried after calling me all kinds of names. What am I to make of this? And how can I help him?
Mrs. K.Kaur, Mahim

It is obvious that your son was extremely fearful if not panicked during the show. The symptoms described reveal that. Not knowing the age of your child I will try and generally explain how fears can be minimized. Fears are always learnt – none of us are born with them. Has he seen anyone significant reacting adversely to the dark? He may then be imitating. Talking him out of his fears by sensible explanations like – the show effects are make believe, the sounds are not ‘real’ bombs etc., will help him. Also showing him by example that you aren’t a fearful you and being a model of courage can inspire him to imitate.

My child seems hyperactive. He is so restless that he can’t sit still at one place. I suspect that he may have ADHD and want to know how I should go about treating it. Please help.
Mrs. N. Singh, Grant Road

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is the most misused diagnosis. It is so loosely employed that it can be damaging and needless. Ask yourself some questions before you jump to any erroneous conclusions about your child. Can he watch cartoons for a significant period of time? What happens when his favorite sport like cricket is on? Does he get restless then? What about when you take him for movies etc.? Does he not sit with his eyeballs glued to the screen? Now, if your answer to the above questions is that he has no problems in those areas then how can we label him ADHD? ADHD is not about inability to concentrate on studies – if a child is suffering from it he WILL NOT be able to do any of the above activities as well. Parents unfortunately use this label when they notice their child not studying or doing well – and that is not a deficit but rather a disciplinary and/or lack of interest problem!

My son is ten years old. He seems to stammer whenever he is with his group of friends. However, we notice that when he is with us it is much less. How can we help him?
Mrs. Kumar, Bandra 

Stammering if not due to physiological reasons is largely due to psychological ones. I am assuming you have a clean chit from an ENT specialist that your son has no physical limitations. Then the work is easy because stammering is mostly due to anxiety. When a person is anxious the physiological symptoms like trembling, stuttering, palpitations, etc., kick in. Your son is possibly trying very hard to create an impression amongst his peers – something he doesn’t need to do with family. With this self-created pressure that he must come across a particular way, he makes himself anxious. And then stuttering begins. Developing in him an attitude that he’d better be himself rather than prove how good he is, will go a long way in dissipating your child’s need to create that impression and automatically a more relaxed him, will stutter less.

I have a ten-year-old daughter whose birthday I celebrated a few days ago. I find that she seems most ungrateful and inconsiderate even when we go out of our way to do our best for her. Is this a trend amongst today’s youngsters or is my daughter an exception?
Mrs. Kalra, Khar

It would be an overgeneralization to say that all of today’s youth is an inconsiderate bunch. But remember that consideration is a cultivated quality and none of us are born with it. How much we teach and ourselves display sensitivity to the deeds of others will make an impression on our children. Unfortunately in an age where materialistic consumption is the be all and end all of life, virtues of sensitivity, care, nurturance, are taking a back seat. With every interaction with another mostly viewed for selfish gains, is gratefulness and appreciation being encouraged? I guess with a lot more talking about these virtues and with more expression of the same by you, your daughter will learn. She is still young and teaching graciousness will help her along in most facets of living. Because civility costs nothing but buys everything!

My son is fifteen years old. He is of small built and is being teased and bullied at school. We don’t know how to handle this. Shall we complain to the school authorities or shall we just leave it be and allow him to fight his own battles? Sometimes the bullying goes to the extent of being physical and he comes back bruised and beaten. We are worried. Help.
Mr. K. Nagaswamy, Byculla

Bullies usually are people who don’t like themselves very much and as a cover up for their severe feelings of inadequacy put up exactly the opposite front. Remember the adage ‘Empty vessels make the loudest noise!’ Whatever the built of your son – it is the emotional ‘built’ that will be of essence in later life more than the physical. And for that it would be best to teach him not to bite the bait these boys/girls will dangle. All bullies bully because they get the expected reaction from the person whose skin they are trying to get under. And you need to teach your child to evaluate their actions from a different point of view – namely that these bullies are disturbed, don’t think well enough of themselves and as a cover up try to threaten and power their way to strength. That by refusing to get drawn into their tactics they will give up. Complaining to the school authorities can backfire. Of course if it is going to a point of physical danger then it’s best to bring it to the authorities notice.

My daughter is overweight. She is so fond of food and chocolates that she finds it very hard to control herself. Sometimes I get the impression that she eats when she doesn’t need to. How should I help her manage her eating habits? I don’t want her to diet but at the same time to be cautious about the amount of food she puts into her stomach.
Mrs. Vaz, Santacruz

Often overeating can be (though not always) a sign of emotional disturbance. There is something called comfort eating where to avoid the unhealthy feelings of anger, depression, guilt, people eat. Is your daughter doing similarly? Is she upset about something and instead of dealing with her difficulties prefers to escape into the world of food? Suppose your answer is in the negative, the next thing you need to look at, is she being genuinely deprived of the things she likes? Many a time when kids feel that they aren’t getting enough of the goodies, they tend to gorge on them whenever it comes their way. Three, has your daughter developed a philosophy that ‘I must not have to control myself at all and I can’t bear it if I have to’, as a result of which she overeats. Remember temptation is in never in the outside world it is in our heads. It is what we ‘think’ about  food or the lack of it, that will determine how we manage ourselves around it.

My son is in the first standard and in a pretty reputed school. I observe that his friend’s parents are going around collecting the last five-years question papers and photocopying them, etc., so that they may prepare their children for the first-term exams. I feel a little unsure about myself when I see myself not doing anything of this kind and feel that I may be doing my son great disservice by taking such a ‘casual’ attitude towards studies. Is my approach right?
Mrs. Sharma, Juhu

It requires an immense deal of self-trust to keep yourself grounded when other people around you are losing it! And I commend you for your attitude of ‘casualness’. What you describe seems to be very insecure parents who have a very narrow outlook towards exams and marks. With their attitude be assured that their kids are going to learn that exams are ‘horrifying’ affairs, that marks is the only measure of intelligence, and getting worked-up about so-called ‘big’ events in life (in this case exams) is the only way to show your concern! Your kid on the other hand will not make such a big deal about exams, will possibly not interpret them as the be-all and end-all of existence, and will have a more relaxed attitude towards dealing with significant events in his life. For a child does learn by imitation and when he sees a more relaxed you, the tendency to be the same, will be higher.

My daughter’s friend has been incessantly calling her at any time of the day. It happens even in the afternoon when we are resting and particularly on weekends when there is no school. How do I explain to my daughter that she can be happy alone and need not be cajoled into agreeing to everything her friend asks of her?
Mrs. Khan, Byculla

An important belief that youngsters had better develop is ‘I don’t need acceptance of people, especially my friends, to feel worthwhile’. With the inculcation of this attitude you will be contributing to the avoidance of many later difficulties as well. For when the child has emotional stamina to stand alone and be happy, you will rarely see the child indulging in activities like smoking, drinking, drugs, etc., just to fit in and be accepted! So by repeating to your daughter that being happy alone is not only desirable but also possible, can be done by you modelling exactly the same behaviour. Mainly youngsters succumb to ‘peer pressure’ when they feel they have to belong. And by encouraging your daughter to firmly yet kindly convey to her friend that she is busy with homework, or that she may call only in the evenings etc., she will be able to lay the rules for acceptable and unacceptable intrusions.

My daughter is in the SSC. She is an intelligent girl but unfortunately is very distracted. I suspect she has a couple of boyfriends whom she goes out with. Once at home, she is texting SMSs all the time. How do I make her see sense about this year being very vital for her?
Brinda, Dadar

Well your daughter would be about 15 years of age I guess, the age where hormones are usually raging and when unfortunately not too many of us recognize, let alone address the most common preoccupation that teenagers of that age would usually have – attraction for the opposite and/or same sex! Regrettably again, the sex education in our schools is so abysmally superficial and limiting that the child develops beliefs that sex and sexuality is dirty, taboo, shameful and that she is a ‘horrible’ girl and therefore has to ‘hide’ her ‘immoral’ desires. Now with the constant thought that she is doing something ‘wrong’ and ‘horrid’ she keeps trying to push the thought of boys out of her mind and then what happens? Instead of getting rid of those thoughts she becomes obsessed by them. Because the more you try NOT to think of something, the more you land up brooding and thinking only of that very thing! Paradox isn’t it? But try it for yourself and see! So I guess the best way to get your daughter to be less distracted is by being as open and scientific in your talk about boyfriends and sexual attraction. (I would hope that first of all, you yourself have sensible ideas about the same!) If you try and tell her about the ‘importance’ of this year and the fact that SSC results will be a stepping stone to her career success, etc., you will be very narrow in your approach. And she will literally listen from one ear and take it out of the other. You need to win her over with the idea that what she’s feeling is something healthy, normal and not bad. That in your youth you did exactly the same. (Now stop pretending to be holier than thou!) With self-disclosure and sensible, clear talk, she will begin to learn that she is not ‘horrible’. That boyfriends and attraction is ‘normal’. That fantasizing and daydreaming is ‘healthy’. And hopefully with attitudes like those just mentioned, she will be less ‘distracted’ because she’s no more now trying to control her desires, hide her feelings, or put a ceiling on her thinking. She is no more under ‘pressure’ to think ‘correctly’. And with that will be more relaxed to concentrate on what is before her when she sits down to work!

My son has just reached puberty. He is very fond of the good life – food, games, movies. We do give him reasonable pocket money but that is never enough for him. Of late he has got addicted to a snooker-parlour for which he needs huge amounts of money. Of late I have caught him stealing. Please advise how to solve this disturbing scenario.
Anjali, Andheri

This disturbing scenario has emerged due to certain flawed philosophies or attitudes that your son has unthinkingly learned. And which we would want him to unlearn. First of all, let’s see if this style of the good life has something to do with the way your family lives. By any chance, do the members in your household follow the same style? Where the boy sees his mum and dad indulging in the good things without much thought or care? Is he exposed to a lifestyle that propagates (unintentionally) that all that life is about is, good food, games, money, and little else? Does he see that all his parent’s talk about is how rich, wealthy and ‘loaded’ people are? And that life is mere enjoyment and a ‘party’? If any of the above is what he sees day in and day out at home, why would he think any different? Of course, not that he can’t think different, but remember that the good life is easier to get used to. It is easier to think and act as if life is a party, than to think and act that life is work! It is easier to look for shortcuts to success than it is to believe that success comes after long hours of labor. I would urge you to check if any of his values comes from what he sees at home. And if they do, well we would need an alteration in values in the home first, before we attempt to do anything with your boy. But suppose, you and your husband and the rest of the others at home are nothing of what has been mentioned above, and the family is an epitome of sensible thinking. Then what? Then it obviously means that your son has on his own has developed certain erroneous beliefs -- that the only way life is worth living is when it is fun. That life should satisfy all his desires even when he may not have the resources to do so – and hence he steals. That he must not be deprived and must get what he thinks he should have and so on. And you will have to work hard in correcting his ideas. Show him that unfortunately life is not what he thinks it is. That the good things in life come with hard work, effort and labor. That deprivation is not a bad word. That living beyond his means by stealing may in the short run gratify his needs but in the long run may well get him into serious trouble and cause many disadvantages. That it may lead to results that he may not be prepared for (say being arrested, people stopping to associate with him, etc.) In a very firm but kind manner explain and teach the above. About his snooker parlor visits – remember all addicts whether your son or others (smokers, drinkers, gamblers) get some satisfaction from their habit and so they persist with it. You will have to get to the bottom of what satisfaction does your child derive from the parlor which he believes he can’t derive from anywhere else, and hence continues to visit it. Good luck!