PRESS ARTICLES

Source: BUZZ

I am 20 years old and in college. I have certain values about premarital sex but they don’t seem to fit the accepted ‘norms’ amongst my peers. I had read somewhere about fear of sex. Am I suffering from fear that prevents me from wanting to have premarital relations or is it something else? Please help.
Distressed Girl

When there are no contradictions in your value system, decisions are easy! And from what you describe there seems to be a big contradiction about what you believe about premarital sex and what you are trying to make yourself believe about it! And why would you want to compromise your ‘value’ and believe that you fear sex? No, you seem to have no fear but rather have core views about indulging in sex before marriage. And why would you want to ‘fit-in’ to societal standards and be a square peg in a round hole? Why not instead develop the courage to be you! A lot of teenagers today indulge in activities only so that they may be accepted. What they forget to ask is by doing so, how will they feel about themselves after the act? Mostly self-loathing, guilty, depressed. Now would you want to feel similarly? And fool yourself into believing that it is fear that holds you back?

I have been seeing someone for about 8 years. We were very young when we feel in love and are now young adults. It has been agreed that we marry and even our parents have consented. But I am having second thoughts about the boy now. I’m not so sure anymore, but I don’t have the courage to pull out of this relationship. What should I do?
Very upset girl

Love is like a cigar. It beings in fire, goes up in smoke and ends up in ashes! And yes we do grow out of love, no matter howsoever much romantic novels and stories would have us otherwise believe. It seems like you’re blaming yourself for experiencing only what is ‘normal’ – the dying or fading of your love. And are feeling ashamed and guilty for even reconsidering your relationship. What you need to ask is if you do marry this boy, what are the chances of this marriage being reasonably good? Would you be able to do justice to him and more importantly to yourself or will you just exist through it? If he gets to know how you felt only after you’ll have been married, what could the possible repercussions be? And would you like to live your mistake? Or would you rather face the short-term discomfort that will ensue if you were to pull out now, for the long-term satisfaction of a probably more rewarding life? It all depends on what is significant to you! 

My son has been diagnosed as having a learning disability. I have accepted the fact that my child cannot be academically strong, BUT at times I get the feeling that my child (under the guise of this learning disability) is taking advantage of the situation and intentionally not studying. What steps should I take to make him prepare for the harsh world as also forewarn him to take care of himself as also how do I ensure that he does not fall in bad company. Please advice.
Mrs. Kalyani, Bandra East

Often there is a very fine line between academic underperformance due to serious emotional difficulties versus academic underperformance due to learning disability. And usually recourse to the latter label is taken instead of detecting and dealing with what could be the ‘real’ cause of the child’s difficulties. But assuming that the diagnosis is correct, teaching the child that disability does not mean a license to avoid responsibility has to be repeatedly impressed on the mind of your son. An attitude that because of his disability he will have to work harder and that sympathy for his condition is the last thing he should demand, will help him cope. For in the real world people will not make concessions for his condition, even though temporarily school authorities, etc might! And falling into bad company has nothing to do with his disability but it has to do with the choices he will make in his selection. Good luck!

My sister seems jealous of me. She picks up fights on the smallest of issues and blows them out of proportion. I am getting exasperated by her behaviour. How do I handle her?
Distressed sister

People who feel jealous don’t have too good opinions of themselves and maybe your sister suffers from an inferiority complex. Recognizing that maybe she’s not ‘as good’ as you she decides that the best way to feel good about herself is by putting you down. She has unfortunately not learnt that nobody is ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than another. That as humans we are equal – which means fallible and mistake making – and that some of us may have qualities, characteristics, abilities and assets more than the rest. But those only bring advantages to our life and in no way prove our ‘superiority’. This girl unfortunately hates herself for not having qualities she envies in you and thus as a cover up demeans you. If you can understand this you will find it easier to deal with her jealous bouts and not feel so hateful of her. Good luck.

I sent my son to the US for studies after the twelfth standard. He is back now on vacation but we’ve learnt that his GPA’s in the first semester are abysmally low. When we talk to him he behaves as if we are just making a big deal of the whole thing and pooh-poohs the idea of becoming more serious. What should we do?
Mrs. Moorjani, Juhu 

Your son seems to be a victim of a few faulty attitudes and these explain his behavior. It seems like he believes that he has a right to levity and that as parents it’s your ‘duty’ to fund him. Accountability doesn’t seem to be a part of his dictionary and he’s using his ‘freedom’ flippantly. Seriousness of intent can only come when he will believe that as a child he ‘owes’ sincerity to you and himself. Unfortunately many youngsters today think it is their ‘right’ to do, as they want. And responsible behavior isn’t being learnt. You’d do your son a favor if you don’t cower and are firm in asserting what you will and will not take. Maybe he sees the parents so ‘afraid’ that he ‘uses’ and gets away with possible ‘threats’. An ultimatum that if he doesn’t up his grades, he’d have to fund himself or even come back, will show him that you mean business.

My son is in the 9th standard and is not getting serious about his work at all. He just managed to scrape through the eight standard on the basis of grace marks. No matter what I say, he doesn’t seem to see the gravity of his behaviour and seems to believe that this year too he will be pushed through. How do I get him to be more serious?
Mrs. Mehra, Colaba

The one thing that a child is not is self-disciplined. Remember the easier thing is to shirk than to do, to avoid than to address. Which only means that as parents the responsibility lies with us to teach discipline. Unfortunately your boy seems have gotten used to the ‘easy’ life and part of the reason could be you. When he has never been made accountable, how can he suddenly develop so? You need to check your style of parenting and from now on ‘educate’ the boy into believing that life is work and work is life! Only when he inculcates a new philosophy like the above will be get serious about life. Unto now his beliefs have probably been that life is a party, fun, and laid-back, and we need him to see that it’s just the reverse, particularly if he wants to make something of himself!

My daughter is a competitive swimmer and is doing relatively well in competitions. However I notice that before every event she gets extremely restless and often throws up just before her turn. What should I understand this as and is there something I can do to prevent it?
Mrs. Shukla, Bandra

What you term restlessness, I would term anxiety! Your daughter obviously feels terribly afraid that she may not do well and win, and believes that that would be terrible and prove that she’s no good. With this attitude every event for her becomes a life and death situation, for her fear is, that she may not succeed and be exposed. And the physiological reaction to anxiety, which varies from person to person, takes the form of throwing up! A re-evaluation about competition and ‘winning’ is what would be needed if your daughter were to continue her swimming with less of a price. Alas, in a society which believes that winning is not everything but the only thing, you’d have to do a great deal of work in reconstructing her outlook. My book 7 Mantras for Teenage Success has a chapter on ‘Don’t compete with competition’ that teaches us to strive, excel and succeed without becoming nervous wrecks and paying such heavy prices. Maybe you can use it to help your child along. Good luck!

I hear that whatever the child receives by age six will be embedded in his mind and will shape his entire personality. Is this true?
Mrs. Verma, Khar

This statement has no basis in fact. Of course if people wish to stop ‘thinking’ after age six then whatever they imbibe they will carry into later years! Thankfully humans are thinking creatures and have the ability to question ideas that they may have learnt. The problem is that we don’t question and believe that our minds are like slates that can be written on. But that’s not true, for if it were, each of us would be ‘early to bed and early to rise’, for wasn’t that the proverb taught before age six! With the acceptance of the above belief you’d be so anxious in your parenting that you’d be walking on tippy toes – believing that anything and everything uttered to your child would leave indelible scars. And nothing can be more dangerous than a frightened parent!

My sister seems jealous of me. She picks up fights on the smallest of issues and blows them out of proportion. I am getting exasperated by her behaviour. How do I handle her?
Distressed sister

People who feel jealous don’t have too good opinions of themselves and maybe your sister suffers from an inferiority complex. Recognizing that maybe she’s not ‘as good’ as you she decides that the best way to feel good about herself is by putting you down. She has unfortunately not learnt that nobody is ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than another. That as humans we are equal – which means fallible and mistake making – and that some of us may have qualities, characteristics, abilities and assets more than the rest. But those only bring advantages to our life and in no way prove our ‘superiority’. This girl unfortunately hates herself for not having qualities she envies in you and thus as a cover up demeans you. If you can understand this you will find it easier to deal with her jealous bouts and not feel so hateful of her. Good luck.

I see my sister-in-law being obsessed with her kids. She won’t leave them alone for a minute. The children have now become clingy and refuse to do anything without their mother. How do I tell her without offending her that she needs to lay off?
Mrs. Newnes, Bandra

A tricky situation. Tricky because I’m not sure of the equation you share with your sister-in-law. But let me make a guess that she won’t take your feedback too kindly. I guess this because of your question. Remember all obsessive parents are terribly anxious. Anxious because they fear that they have to be the ‘perfect’ parent; must never err in their role and must turn out the most well behaved and spectacular kids that graced mankind. To prevent anything of the opposite happening they try and control every aspect of their kids’ lives. For any unwanted behaviour by their kids make them believe that it is a ‘blot’ to them and their parenting. So how would this kind of a person take negative feedback sportingly/kindly? She would see it as criticism and hate herself for being imperfect and hate you for bringing it to her notice! 

My son has very rich friends in college. He is most of the time out with them. The principal recently sent home a letter complaining about his absence form classes. Though he has promised to be more responsible, kindly tell me the signs of drug addiction that I need to watch out for, as he has these frequent mood swings.
Swarup, Vile Parle

Mood swings may due to many reasons and not necessarily only due to drug abuse. But as a mother of a teenage son I can understand your concern about whether your son abuses drugs. The tell-tale signs usually are (not always) – long hours of absence from home (even on holidays), excuses to go out (especially when grounded), stealing money or disappearance of valuable items from home, hours spent alone in one’s own room with the door locked, a certain kind of hazy look in the eyes, inability to comprehend clearly what is being asked of him/her, dazed look, some marks on body especially areas surrounding easily accessible veins, peculiar whiff from mouth (indicative of hash use), excessive nose bleeds, use of nasal drops (indicative of damage of nasal tissue due to snorting) etc.. However, lets address the psychological problem your son may be experiencing when in college. Obviously, he is desperately trying to ‘belong’ to the group of boys/girls he’s chosen as his friends. My question would be, do they match his ways? Why has he selected these ‘rich’ kinds? What do they have in common? Or does he feel that because he is not as wealthy as he would like to be, by associating with them he gets by association, a false satisfaction of self-worth. As a mother, this is what I would like you to discover of your child. Not that all ‘rich’ kids are spoilt and do not think responsibly about life. But the very fact that this group to which your son belongs is possibly bunking lectures (for the principal to send you a note) it is obvious that their ideas about living may differ from your child’s. But why does your son choose these friends? And why does her prefer to ape and copy them? I suspect it is because he thinks very little of himself and believes that the only way to be accepted in this group is to go along with them. So even though in his heart of heart he may have differing ideas, he lacks the courage to do what he wants to do and thus gets swayed by his ‘rich’ friends.
may not be construed as incest. Most often it goes unreported because the person who is the ‘victim’ feels shame and guilt and possibly blames herself/himself for it. Your cousin may also feel that nobody would believe her if she disclosed that her uncle is sexually exploiting and abusing her. If you have a hunch, gently and very assuredly speak to your cousin alone. Give her the feeling that you care and are concerned, and that whatever she discloses will be strictly confidential. That by remaining quiet she will be doing herself needless and more harm. Speaking up will be difficult if she believes that she will be unable to tolerate the ramifications that will ensue, due to her disclosure. We need her to see that the ramifications may well be bad in the short-term, but it will be worse if she allows herself to be subject to this.