PRESS ARTICLES

Source: BUZZ

My daughter complains that her friends keep rubbing her that she comes from an affluent family. She feels upset about the fact that she has things that most don’t and feels that as a result of it people don’t like her. How should I help my daughter?           
Mrs. D. Patel, Napean Sea Road

A common misconception people have is that it is a ‘sin’ to be wealthy and somehow your daughter has come to believe that! You need to teach her to be comfortable with what she has and who she is. That her ‘wealth’ is due to the hard work and the sacrifices possibly made by the family. That it is not something to be ‘ashamed’ of. And that as long as she is grounded and isn’t flaunting it around, there is no reason to be apologetic for it.  Jealousy is the emotion her peers experience and thus make her a target. It would be beneficial for her to develop the emotional stamina to ‘face’ such barbs, for words do not have the power to hurt, it is the meaning she will attribute to those words that will cause her needless distress. A philosophy of not caring too much of what people think of her will go a long way in building that stamina. Good luck.

My daughter takes a very long time to eat her meals. Each mealtime becomes an hour that I dread and possibly she does as well. What should I do?
Mrs. V. Choksi, Worli

In this country parents make mealtimes such special occasions that the child ‘uses’ them as opportunities often to settle scores, show power, or get attention they somehow (justifiably or unjustifiably) believe they haven’t got enough of. And we need to do exactly the opposite – take away the ‘specialness’ and treat it as an ordinary event of a day. You’d do well to set a time limit for the meal to be finished. (It would depend on the age of your child). Explain that to the child and if the time is up, take away the plate even if your child has not finished. Do not give her any snacks until the next meal. Let her learn that mother means what she says and will not feel sorry and give in. Only when she sees you repeatedly practicing what you preach will she begin to take you seriously and eating won’t be a ‘sacred’ event anymore! 

My daughter is very fearful. She seems to be afraid of everything and I am concerned about her timidity. What can I do to increase her confidence?
Mrs. Chawla, Khar

One is never born with fears, one learns them. Obviously your child has learnt and learning takes place in the family with the people she interacts. Ask yourself who does your child ‘imitate’? Is she reacting like any other member? If she sees people getting all worked up and tense for the slightest of things, or running away from ‘dark’ rooms etc., it will not be difficult to trace her fears. Be vigilant about maids, helpers, etc., who talk about ‘ghosts’ ‘policemen’ and ‘evil men’ and instill in children silly ideas. Monitor them and what they share. Because your child is a child, she will not be able to distinguish ‘sense’ from ‘nonsense’. Your continuous talk and actions will help her see that nothing is so dreadful that cannot be handled. For confidence is nothing but a belief that ‘I can cope’ and that ‘Nothing is terrible and awful but only bad and disadvantageous’. 

My daughter has suddenly become very superstitious. I see her doing strange actions like touching the object she has kicked and putting her hands to her head and then her lips as if she is asking for some kind of forgiveness for kicking that object. It is of concern because she is doing this ritual for each and everything she may mistakenly touch or kick. What do I do?
Mrs. Kapoor, Pali Hill

Superstitions are nothing but beliefs unfounded on facts. Your daughter seems to have developed some kind of unverifiable belief – that kicking objects will bring bad luck – and believes that by asking for forgiveness she will be able to ward that ‘bad luck’ away! Not uncommon, because if you look around you’ll see plenty of people indulging in some or the other kind of ‘ritualistic’ ‘unthinking’ behaviour. You need to talk to her and teach her a more scientific outlook to life. People who are superstitious are not very confident about their ability to handle difficulties. They have very little self-belief and lack trust in their ability to solve problems. She needs to be taught that there is no connection between ‘kicking’ and ‘bad luck’. And that empirical evidence will reveal that the correlation between the two is completely illogical. I hope you have no superstitions yourself else you’ll find it very hard to contradict her thoughtless rituals.

My daughter has gone and got herself pregnant. I am ashamed that I haven’t brought her up well enough to realise responsible behaviour. I feel like a complete failure because of her and feel that life is not worth living anymore. Where have I gone wrong?
XYZ

Your distress is understandable. But at the same time you’re being too harsh on yourself, believing that your daughters’ actions are a reflection of your upbringing. I am not suggesting that rearing isn’t important, but it is NOT the ONLY reason for the way our children behave. Each child brings into this world something unique of his own. No matter how and what we teach they can CHOOSE to follow or discard our teachings. And will do ultimately what they want to. Her own attitudes led her to her actions. And we need to get to the bottom of that. Instead of berating yourself or her, ask what made her so desperate that she threw caution to the winds and indulged in self-defeating behaviour? You will see that at the basis of this behaviour are some very unhealthy ideas she has, and you’d do well if you sorted those out with professional help, so that history doesn’t repeat itself. Good luck.

Don’t you think that with the youngsters earning mega bucks with high paying call centre salaries, they are losing the value of money? How should I tell my adolescent boy that he shouldn’t get carried away with what he hears his friends earn. I am worried that he may not have a right sense about money. Help
Mrs. Sawant, Prabhadevi

I can understand your concern, for there has been a change in the way salary structures have altered. With call centre jobs available after twelfth standard, a sudden feeling of ‘money empowerment’ is what youngster’s experience. And not all of them are equipped to deal with that ‘power’. ‘Money values’ is often learnt at home. When we talk to our children about how hard we have to work to earn it. That affording a certain toy, holiday, etc., is beyond our budget. That money has to be saved and spent wisely to live comfortably, are important indications to the child that money doesn’t come easy. However, many of us feel ‘shame’ in talking about these facts to our kids. Many have an idea that “since he will know the truths later in life, why burden him now”. But if we don’t ‘educate’ now they may grow up with misperceptions later. Talk in simple straight language and you’ll see your adolescent ‘valuing’ and having good sense of it.

I am a little fearful about the holidays since my son is now going to have nothing to do for a while since admissions etc will begin only in June. He has just finished his ICSE exams and I am afraid that he may get into bad company and either end up hanging out in certain coffee joints or just land up watching TV all day. How should I handle him?
Mrs. Mehra, Khar

First of all I think it would only be fair if your son takes it easy. He has just finished an exam and allowing him a break and the freedom to do nothing for a while would be sensible. At the same time once the recuperating period is over, it is important that he learns the role of leisure. Leisure can be fun and productive, it needn’t be wasteful and thoughtless. Encouraging him to pursue hobbies, develop new interests, and inculcating the value of using time sensibly, would automatically leave him with fewer chances of just ‘hanging out’ or surfing channels. I think the essence of using holidays fruitfully is when children/adults treasure ‘time’. An attitude of ‘time wasted is life wasted’ can go a long way in helping him choose how, with who, and in what manner he would do anything, not only spend leisure. And if you can help him learn that attitude, you’d be arming him with an asset for life!

My son has been promoted to the 9th standard, albeit with grace marks and some amount of cajoling the school authorities. I have assured them that he will work harder this year and somehow managed to convince them. How should I see that my son becomes more serious for this academic year?
Mrs. Matthew, Bandra

It seems that part of the problem in your son taking it easy is because he knows his mother will ‘use’, ‘adopt’ tactics that will help him get away with what ordinarily others may not be able to. So why would he need to be conscientious or responsible? Remember responsibility is learnt, not inherited. You’d better question your methods of influencing school authorities, because you’re looking at a very short-sighted gain – promotion. You aren’t preparing him in any way for his future. He isn’t learning the importance of self-reliance and his coping skills to deal with troubles, isn’t being sharpened. To make him more serious you will first have to alter your ideas. Failing has advantages. Much can be learnt from adversities. He has to learn that life will not roll out the red carpet when he walks. That in his walk, thorns, obstacles, and hurdles will be strewn. If he hasn’t ever dealt with them in school, how would he later?

My daughter has developed a reputation in school as the ‘desperate girl’. Apparently her behaviour with the boys is very suggestive and alluring as a result of which many of her friends have labelled her as ‘easy to get’ and ‘cheap’. I am very upset with what I hear and have tried talking to her about her behaviour but am at a loss to understand why this has happened and how to correct it? Please help.

Usually people are drawn to doing things whenever they taste success and surely your child is getting attention and recognition (no matter of what kind!) and thus indulging in this behaviour. What I’d like you to ask yourself is why does the child want attention so desperately from the outside world? Is there something amiss at home, which pushes her to look for her needs for recognition, from friends and strangers? Does she (justifiably or unjustifiably) believe that she’s not getting enough and then with her ‘need’ for attention drives herself to seek it in whatever ways from outside? Many children believe (questionably!) that they must be the centre of attention and that life is incomplete without someone loving them. Talking to her without blaming and trying to get to the bottom of the motive for her behaviour is your best bet. Besides, have a look at the pattern at home and see if some corrections would help her feel more loved within her own walls.  

My son has been punished for his inability to speak English in school. He came home the other day crying that the teacher had told all the children in class not to talk to him since he converses mostly in Hindi. I understand the importance of English but I am very upset with the punishment that has been meted out. What should I do?
Mrs. Newnes, Bandra

A pickle of sorts! I have been pressing for a long time about Emotional Education in schools, with administrative and teaching staff being trained how to handle different children from varied backgrounds, with differing issues. Unfortunately my suggestions are falling on deaf ears! It is regrettable that the teacher (who unknowingly plays the role of counsellor) uses these methods of trying to encourage your child to speak English. She would do well to understand that getting your child ‘banned’ may actually discourage him and unintentionally help him develop a hatred for the language and himself! However, you can be sensible and instead of condemning the teacher for her ways (which is possibly due to ignorance) keep talking to your child into NOT taking this personally, not hating himself for his inability, and instead to focus on the problem – his language. We would not want the child to develop an inferiority complex and that can be prevented by giving the child an idea that HE is not bad, his inability to speak English may well be.

I am a working mother and stay long hours away from home. I have a young daughter aged 5, whom I have to leave with my maid. At times I do get wary about her safety and fear her being molested. Kindly advise how I could ensure complete safety for her.
Varuna, Vasai

I understand your predicament completely because I sail in the same boat as you. However, the difference between us is possibly in the outlook we share about ‘complete safety’. Remember that there is nothing as ‘complete safety’ in the first place for anyone – not for us or for our children. Life is uncertain and there is an element of risk in being alive. I suspect you are anxious because you faultily believe that you have complete control over events. And that the only way your daughter will be ‘completely safe’ is when you are with her round the clock. Now isn’t that a questionable idea? For with this premise, all children of full time mothers would then never get hurt, be bruised, fall ill or be subject to abuse? And is that really so? Therefore, I would want you to question your assumption and realize that you make yourself anxious because of it. Of course as a parent, concern for the well being of our children is of paramount importance. So keeping a check on your maid, asking the neighbors (if you have helpful ones) to keep a vigil, calling home to check that things are well, are some methods that would help you be more at ease. The most dominant emotion most working mothers face today is guilt. And the belief that any problem with their child is ONLY because of their not being there for their child! Now that is an idea that we really need to put to test!

I have been molested as a child. I feel that I may never be able to have a fulfilling sexual relation because of it. I have a boyfriend but I am not able to get physical with him. Please help.

Not everyone who has been subjected to sexual abuse need ‘suffer’. Because experience is not what happens to us, it is what we make of those happenings. Emotional reactions depend on how we interpret and evaluate those experiences. Of course what has happened to you is unfortunate and very bad but you seem to be evaluating the incident ‘as horrifying, the worst that could ever happen, and believe thus that your life is ruined’. With these attributions and the belief that ‘I can never sexually function’ you are literally making yourself dysfunctional. You need to re-evalaute your experience. See the incident as very regrettable and very unpleasant. But that it is not the end of the world and that it need not be the handcuff that is going to chain your sexuality. With sensible attitudes like the above you will unblock yourself and be able to have pleasant and satisfying physical relations.

All my daughter’s friends seem to be having boyfriends. I feel that my daughter may be subject to pressure to also have one. How do I help her not to succumb to peer pressure?

I would guess that your daughter is at an age when sexual attraction begins. It is imperative that we talk to our children about the facts and realities of attraction, and have scientific explanations for them. Also we need to inculcate the idea that aping others, doing what they do, wanting things that they possess, taking holidays to fancy destinations because their peers do, etc., is a very superficial means to confidence. That instead, being them, and standing firm for their own views & values and caring little of what others think of them, is a more solid footing towards self-confidence. I would hope that your daughter sees you as a model, where the mother herself doesn’t get carried away by peer pressure! Not that having boyfriends is a sin. But if your daughter chooses one, let it be because she wants to and not because she has to, only to go along with the crowd.

I think my son is a homosexual. I am not sure though. Is it a disease? And how do I help cure him from his illness?

First of all homosexuality is not a disease or illness! By nature human beings are bisexual animals with leanings or preferences for the same or opposite sex. There are two kinds of homosexuality - fixed and preferential. In fixed homosexuality, people prefer the same sex partners because they fear that they may not be able to satisfy an opposite sex partner, may not be able to retain love, may fail at sexual functioning, and with their faulty ideas makes themselves homosexual. Has your son has developed homosexual tendencies after an unpleasant sexual encounter? And then drawn erroneous conclusions about that experience? Or is he a preferred homosexual, where he simply prefers men rather than women? If the latter is true, there is nothing one can really do to change his leanings. Gracefully accepting though not necessarily liking his preferences is the best way to deal with it. If however, he is a fixed homosexual we need to work through his questionable beliefs about rejection, performance, and whatever other attitudes that may be ‘making’ him homosexual.