PRESS ARTICLES

"Success of your Woman - A psychologists perspective "

ARTICLE

The woman in India and possibly all around the world has always received messages (which she has unthinkingly accepted!) that her success comes from marriage and motherhood. So she often hears words like, ‘Oh! What’s the use of being the head honcho of a firm, when you couldn’t even find yourself a man to marry! Or, “What’s the point of being a top shot doctor, when you don’t even have kids. Or, “What good is your career if your marriage is on the brink!” and so on and so forth. And then when a woman comes into the limelight, begins to get recognition for her expertise, is lauded for a job well-done, earns a six figure salary, and reaches the top echelons in her profession, more often than not, she herself is unable to deal with ‘that success’, so what of her husband/lover/partner/companion?
But hopefully the time is coming, where more and more women (and hopefully men too!) are looking beyond matrimony and childbearing as the measure of their success. So with this new outlook, that a woman’s success can come outside of family, women are feeling less guilty of their achievements, less apologetic for being in the limelight, are enjoying their careers more, and are expressing their opinions, more than they previously ever had. Since in the past they were too busy ‘dumbing-down’ only so that others didn’t perceive their husbands/partners/lovers as inferior, or more importantly their husbands/partners/lovers didn’t feel inferior themselves!

A healthy attitude or outlook about yourself is a large determiner in the way you handle your partner’s success or strangely even your own! Most people are unable to handle another’s success because they often wrongly believe, “Since she/he is more successful than me, she/he is better than me!” And in their own success too, they make a similar error. So when some people succeed, they very easily ‘let success go to their head’. Because they also wrongly believe that they are ‘better than’ the rest!

Inability to handle your woman’s success occurs when you believe that since she is more successful than you, she is ‘better than’ you. A reality (unverifiable one at that!) you believe shouldn’t exist! And which you believe you can’t stand! So how do you behave then? Inadvertently because of your above belief, you feel jealous, anxious, and sometimes even hostile towards her. And if your inferiority complex (which you have created due to the above premise) is severe, your reactions are adverse – you sabotage, restrict, curtail, make life as difficult as you can for your woman – for that is the one way you feel you can prevent her success and that is the one way you can give yourself that temporary lift of feeling on par or ‘above’ her!

But nobody is ‘better than’ or ‘worse than’ another. Sure, we do better things or are better at some skills than some, as some of us do bad things, and may be inept at certain skills than another. That’s all! Suppose this is the outlook you had towards yourself and towards fellow-beings, would you find it difficult to be equipoised to either success or failure? Would the green-eyed monster rear its ugly head whenever your woman shone?

If you live with a man who is unable to take your success

• It would be helpful if you talk to him about what you perceive and clarify if your perceptions about his discomfort and his inability to handle your achievements are correct.
• Expect him to deny it. But at least with you having expressed what you perceived, it will possibly help him re-evaluate his feelings and his behavior towards you.
• Understand that his own inferiority complex contributes to his inability to stomach your success and that it has very little to do with you or your achievements.
• Realize that your man needs help. Help him develop self-acceptance. Help him see that he is not ‘lesser than’ you, even though his achievements may well be. Help him see that performances, achievements, accolades, bring advantages to you but in no way do they contribute to a ‘better’ you. Likewise his lack of achievements or performances, may well bring disadvantages to him, but they do not make him any ‘lesser’.
• Evaluate your own behavior. Are you by any chance because of your success being disdainful of him? Is your behavior indicative of ‘looking down’ on your man? Do not permit success to ‘get to your head’. Being poised about success is an important contributor in maintaining your relations – the intimate as well as the ordinary.