WHEN MY CLIENTS ‘RUN’ AWAY

People’s ideas when they seek therapy are varied. Some think that they will get a chance to ‘vent’ and that talking will help them get over issues that may be bothering them. Others believe that there will be a magical ‘cure’ when the shrink hears them out and gives them ‘solutions’ to the difficulties they encounter. Still others believe that ‘regressing’ into ones past is what therapy is about and they moan, whine and cry about how their parents or their loved one’s gave them a raw deal. So with these ideas in mind many set out for my office and are in for a surprise when they find no reclining couch, no dimmed lights and no white walls; with a therapist who doesn’t sit with her back to them so that they may indulge in a free wheeling no-holds-barred barrage of their miseries. They meet instead head-on, a warm but straightforward, a genial yet plain speaking, minus the frills kind of person who believes that every human being has intelligence and the experience of his past to solve his or her problems. And in a side-by-side, upright seating position, begins work.

Aha, but that’s where the dichotomy begins! Because my therapy is ‘tough’ and my clients tender-minded! I look to empower but many of my clients want to ‘cling’. To lead them to the path of self-reliance, many prefer dependence however. So I face an ethical dilemma. Do I pander to the over sensitive souls by nodding in agreement whenever they whine about the injustices. Do I simply sympathize and reiterate their dysfunctional and questionable philosophies that I know are at the core of their troubles. Agree with their blaming outlook towards people who may have caused them ‘harm’. Concur with some silly and superstitious beliefs that they carry with them and that are possibly the cause for their potentialities being unrealized. Comply with their subtle need for acceptance and take sides by telling them that they are right and their partners are wrong. Agree, that it was their ‘bad luck’ that they keep picking the wrong partners, even though in my heart-of-heart I know that to a large extent their ‘neediness’ generates their choices! Be of the same opinion when parents complain that “actually it’s the bad company” that got their son into trouble or the not so nice friends who made their child take to alcohol, smoking and drugs. Be of the same mind when people say that ‘society’ is rotten and they’ve only done what society compelled them to – have affairs and cheat in their relationships, usurp others money unashamedly, cheat their way through examinations because “everybody does it” and carry out illegal trade because principled people don’t exist anymore and they believe that they would be left behind in the rat race if they didn’t wine, dine and palm greases. The list is endless…

In the past I’d lunge head on into psychotherapy and follow my beliefs that people came to me for help. That they couldn’t possibly be spending their hard earned money and wasting their precious time only to hear goody, goody and nice things about themselves. That, after all if they were making the effort to seek ‘help’ they’d be all ears and have open arms to take what was coming their way. Regrettably, my assumptions were erroneous and often contradicted. Because my clients would feel ‘upset’ that I was being so ‘direct’. Many couldn’t stomach the bitter truth that they had a part to play in their misery and they would slink off to never return. Some would ‘blame me’ saying that I didn’t know my work, others that I was a ‘bad’ therapist, still more that I was too ‘dangerous’ because I made them restless and “asked too many questions” as one client put it. Some, that I had no right to ask for ‘individual’ difficulties when they had come to see me for marriage therapy (lets clear it once and for all – it is never ‘Marriage’ that is the problem, it is the two people in it that are!)

It disappointed me (yes, because I believe that I could help those in distress) enough to re-think my approach. And I changed my ways. After hearing the client out briefly I would begin my sessions asking, “Do you want me to say things which you will like and which will please you or would you rather that I help you?” You can guess what was preferred. I’ve learnt over years of experience that if the client makes his choice of wanting help versus niceness, it becomes easier for him/her to embrace the teachings that are being imparted. He/she is more receptive to take responsibility for his misfortunes. And in between whenever the sessions veer toward the client getting ‘hurt’ I gently remind them of the choice they’ve made! My clients don’t run away as often now….