CRIMES OF PASSION

I have been closely following the articles, news reports, collections and snippets of reputed periodicals, tabloids and dailies that have given coverage to the ‘Crimes of Passion’. Where ‘love’ has gotten people to either kill their partners who have rejected them or people have killed themselves when they have been abandoned and discarded by their lovers. Other than data which was well put together delineating how many killings in how much time, and great detailing of how and when the murders/suicides took place, to meaningless jargon (‘it is the collective unconscious which has woken up women from their slumber’) which made very little difference to a lay person in the understanding of the reasons or the motives that led to such offenses, and/or towards the prevention of such in the future, I got nothing. Not one of the articles besides providing information gave any insight or remedies for the same even though all kinds of ‘experts’ gave their views.

I thought writing a piece myself on the mindset that leads to such reckless acts, plus what we as a collective society can do to nip in the bud propensities for these heinous crimes, would put to rest my disgruntlement. As a therapist this is my perspective.

• People who resort to violence in love especially when they kill are unusually disturbed, terribly anxious and hostile individuals.
• Psychologically they would probably suffer from impotence and self-hatred. They possibly haven’t got what they’ve wanted out of life and have been poor in interpersonal relations, being rejected by friends and acquaintances and by members of the opposite sex.
• They suffer from a very low estimation of themselves. Rather than admit to themselves that they are inadequate and better do something drastic to change their ways, they build up defensive hostility against others and often insist that they are being persecuted. They become insanely jealous when they are rejected and bitterly resolve that something must be done to annihilate the people who have ‘stolen’ their partner.
• They do not merely want or prefer to be intimately involved with another person; they demand, dictate, insist or command in a highly absolutistic manner that this individual love him completely, devotedly and lastingly. Their dire need or mandate that it is an utter necessity that they should and must be loved is at the essence of their disturbance.
• Besides, they suffer from tremendous low frustration tolerance and demand that what they want they must get immediately, right now, pronto! And believe that they can’t stand being unwanted.
• Feeling discarded, they mystically believe that their partner still loves them and wants them and that he/she only needs to be ‘rescued’ from the clutches of the person who has forcibly kept them in bondage. They fantasize and genuinely delude themselves that by saving their lover and by killing the ‘crook’ who stole their beloved, they will not get caught or punished.

In brief these are some of the defining features of the insane lover who indulges in a Crime of Passion. But stopping here and only limiting this piece to the reasons behind these acts, is not enough. Thus I am outlining a precautionary. It is imperative that these preventives are taught from the crib so that we educate sensible ideas of self-worth, of love and of being loved. After all, these killers weren’t born and it would be a far cry to say that they were made. A combination of inherent nature and stupid learning’s augment violent tendencies and the only way to rein in the ugly side of a human being is with rational, sane teachings. So here goes:

• Teach self-love. How much or how little we accept and respect ourselves determines how desperate we would be for another persons love. After all if we hate us and don’t feel good about ourselves, we begin to search for that person who gives our ‘shit-hood’ a semblance of fragrance! Temporarily, because this other loves us, we feel better about ourselves. Isn’t it logical then that should this other leave us, we go back to square one, being itty-bitty-shitty selves, a condition we abhor. Understandably with this (ill) logic we become insanely enraged and jealous when we lose love. Love and being loved becomes an all-consuming passion as it saves us from self-hatred.
• Educating the youth about needs versus wants. About wishes and preferences versus demands and dictates. Unfortunately mankind mistakenly believes that we ‘need’ love to survive. That without it life is not worth living. A re-education in the idea that it’s great to feel love and be loved BUT that it is not a necessity for our existence can go a long way in alleviating unhealthy emotions of anxiety, jealousy, depression, hostility and inadequacy – the main culprits behind heinous crimes!
• Instruction in higher frustration tolerance. That what one wants one will not necessarily get. Regrettably with most things being instantly available, many of us find it hard to postpone gratification. In this case however, one’s gratification is not dependent on one alone. And the grandiose idea, ‘I am special, how dare he/she reject me’ compounds an already problematic philosophy. Training the young that they are ‘ordinary’ like all mere mortals and have not been singled out by god to get any special concessions or treatments will help them. Plus the fact that they better get used to the idea that the world and other people DO NOT owe them anything is a great attitude to inculcate. Because even though they may never like rejection and it can be annoying and irritating, they can stand the losses. And not getting what they think they must, is not a horrible catastrophe.
• Tutor in sensible loving. To love compelling but not compulsively can happen when one begins to de-romanticize the concept of love and also to de-sacredize it. By this is meant bringing down love from its pedestal and seeing it for what it really is – an intense involvement with a person or a thing. Not any noble condition! Often in love we misperceive a person as having remarkable characteristics when he/she actually has fairly ordinary traits. Besides altering misperceptions, a more elegant way is also to understand the more real aspects of love. That it is subject to birth, growth and death. That two people remain and stay in love when their wants are being fulfilled. That one can positively love two or more people simultaneously. That romantic love usually fades especially when lovers live together.

When the above ideas are plainly taught from childhood, a person can grow up with more sensible concepts of love and loving and it wouldn’t be too far fetched to say that we could ‘groom’ healthier happier lovers!