Commitment Phobia

 29 Apr 2018  1830

"So when should we tie the knot?" "Oh, I'm not ready yet!" "When my divorce comes through!" (Which usually the person never gets down to getting!). "As soon as I move into my own house." "Maybe when I'm a little more settled". "Maybe when I'm sure that you love me more than you do your mother!" "Maybe, maybe, maybe. . ." Sound familiar? How many people have we seen waiting endlessly for their knight in shining armour or for the woman of their dreams! It is said that if a person doesn't commit to a relationship within a year, they most probably never will. And let's not believe the reasons given too easily. Let's not be so naive to take everything at face value. Instead, try reading between the lines and go a notch deeper to get to the bottom of why people dread the phrase, "I do!"

Commitment means responsibility and not everyone wants to be responsible. If a person can get what he wants without a price, why wouldn't they want to 'carry on'? They get the best of both worlds so to speak. The fulfilment of emotional, intimate and companionship needs without strings attached! The 'availability' of their 'partner' when they want it. The shoulder to cry on. The partner to be seen with, etc. Now why would they want to give up that 'freedom'? And be bound and 'tied' when they can get it for 'free'? Where they will not be answerable for their actions, ways and deeds? After all, human nature is such that if we can get away with easy things in life, all of us will most probably choose that path.

At the bottom of an 'uncommitted' person is a very self-doubting, anxious individual who is petrified of failure. Fear of his inability to sustain and retain the love of his beloved, this person doesn't think too highly about his amorous capabilities and the capacity to sustain it over the long haul. So he flits from person to person, never endearing himself to any, because he believes so little in himself! As a camouflage of his own self-doubt, he often projects a 'macho', "I'm the available bachelor" kind of image. Likewise, many women think they won't be able to run a household 'properly', be 'good' mothers, be that steady and helping companion to a man, or take the 'burdens' that come with being a wife and thus prefer living the carefree life of a single woman and keep stalling commitment. 

Commitment does place some restrictions on freedom but at the same time, the advantages derived in marriage are not easily found in many 'flitting' relationships. Committing means looking for and finding that 'suitable' partner. But the attitude of short-term 'pleasure' over weighing long-term goals is at the basis of attaching oneself to just anyone only for the sake of being attached. Retraining one's attitude that "I can tolerate the short-term discomfort of being alone for the long-term goal of being committed" would go a long way in helping people realise that even getting that 'committed' partner involves work and effort. Because if he is worth having, he is worth striving for!

  • Give yourself one year. If your partner makes excuses exceeding that time period, take your bags and run!

  • Responsibility is part and parcel of commitment. If your partner gets his/her cake and can eat it too, why would he want to 'band' you?
  • Question your beliefs about your inability to sustain and retain the love of your beloved.
  • Just for the sake of being attached don't flit from one to another. Ask yourself if your long-term goal is of finding a 'suitable' match, work really hard to get him. For, If he's worth having, he's worth working for!
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